It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like...New Years?

Wow. So, in two days time it'll be 2013 - a whole new year. I can't decide whether this year has flown by for me or not. For some reason I would like a bit more time in 2012, but at the same time, I think quite a lot has happened in the space of this year - both good and bad things. Let's start at the very beginning (as it's a very good place to start):

I welcomed 2012 with open arms, sat in my university accommodation with the guy I rushed into a relationship with in late December, 2011. I hadn't wanted to go back to my hometown at all for that holiday, and rushed back to uni as soon as I could. It was quite a cosy new years celebration, I guess you could say, sat in the living room/kitchen with a glass of Schloer (I don't drink, you see).

Then the second semester of work started, and for the most part it was all good fun. One trend I did pick up on, however, is that most of the workload was being done by myself and the person who would become my flatmate for this year of university.
During my first semester there, I thoroughly enjoyed my time, and was in a good mood almost constantly - I had needed to get away from home, and moving to university came at just the right time. After entering into the relationship I previously mentioned, however, I started to cool down about the troubles I had staying at home, which was useful, as it meant I had less difficulty with the idea of going back home, however, I started to enjoy living in the house at uni less and less.
Looking back, I wish I hadn't felt it was the fault of my housemates as I had at the time - I am just a walking talking emotional roller-coaster, I don't think now that they ever once had anything to do with my bad moods. So if either of them are reading this - my apologies for how stupidly I may have acted towards you at any point last year.

Soon, the Easter/Summer holidays arrived. With no exam period on my course, easter merged straight into summer for me, so from April I was freed from university work. Having come to terms now with going home, I was happy to return, and in fact found that I missed the friends from my hometown a lot and loved being reunited with them. I also began to realise just how quickly I had entered into my relationship, and that actually I didn't feel that it would work out - so, he ended it. It may sound cruel, but I was relieved to be free of that commitment, because I knew I would just end up hurting him in the long run, and wasn't really enjoying my time.

In May, during my favourite bi-annual event, my ex's bad response to our break up meant that I could barely enjoy myself at the event, as he attended too, and every time he saw me, gave me the foulest look I have ever seen on a person's face. In hindsight, I realised how stupid I had been to allow his bad attitude to ruin my weekend, as in actual fact the event had been rather enjoyable, and I made some fantastic new friends, who I still talk to and am very close with today.

In late May, my father came to me with a proposal about his workplace - and I soon found myself with a job. This was the first time I had ever had a proper job, and I was terrified that I would slip up in my mannerisms, or perform badly, or some other such misfortune. Despite this, I made myself walk in with confidence every day, and soon found that my superiors were impressed with the work I did - even when I could pick a hundred faults in it. Everyone there was very friendly and very nice to me, and I soon felt confident enough to actually ask for opinions or clarifications on things - an action which I still struggle with at university. The only downside to this job is that it was a week-long 9-5 affair, meaning my free time was limited to the weekends, or the occasional day off, which were surprisingly easy to get if I asked soon enough.

Sometime in August, I believe it was, my old housemates and I reunited to take a short holiday to Cardiff. We had great fun in the city, which was walking distance from our hotel, and the sun shone for the entire 3 days we were there, which was certainly a bonus. We were also really close to Cardiff Bay, which meant getting to the Doctor Who Experience was a walk in the park - and that is certainly one of the best days of my life. The Experience is in two parts - an 'adventure' with the Doctor, and then an exhibition of props and costumes from the show.
As an individual with a big imagination, I thoroughly enjoyed the 'adventure' segment - being genuinly terrified at parts (there was a large room filled with weeping angels, with the lights flickering on and off. My fellow whovian housemate and I clung to each other, staring desperately at the statues as we walked past.). There was even a part where you got to 'fly' the Tardis, with several 'controls' spread around the console. One of these controls was free, but I was stuck across the other side of the room - the others in the room must have seen the desperation on my face, as they let me pass to operate it. All in all, that is not a week I'll forget in a hurry.

Soon, September rolled around, and with it the restart of university. I entered into my second year with a new flat, a new flatmate, and the same enthusiasm with which I had begun the course. I was eager to begin the work, but found a lot of planning work needed to be done beforehand.
As the semester went on, I found the work harder and harder to do, certain group members weren't performing well at their roles, and in general my enjoyment of the course lessened.
In truth, I'm still struggling to talk about this past semester without getting upset about it, as it feels as though the dreams I built up in my first year are crumbling around me. I find myself still to be greatly behind my course mates, skill-level-wise, and I am not capable of being authoritative - meaning that when I had roles within a group which put me in charge, other group members easily questioned my instructions and only led my already small confidence to dwindle further.

Due to my struggle at Year 2: Semester 1,  I rushed back to my hometown at the earliest possible opportunity, in stark contrast to a year ago. During the summer, my eldest brother moved out of our house into his own with his girlfriend of many years, which lead me to wonder what would become of Christmas this year. It was actually quite a novel experience, as our family, and his girlfriend's family all piled into his house for the day. It didn't go entirely to plan as he was ill for half the day, having eaten something odd the night before. Thankfully he was able to join us for the lunch he was supposed to be cooking, and began to feel better over that.

So that's my year in a nutshell, with its positives and its negatives laid out. I hope that the new year will bring with it more positives than negatives, and I hope that I am able to rebuild my confidence with university. This year, I feel, will be focused on me trying to succeed at just one major thing, be it university work, my relationships with those around me, or who knows what else the year may bring? So for now, here's some small New Year's Resolutions:

- Cut down on Mountain Dew. I first started drinking this in June, when my course mate (now flatmate) came to stay. (That was another great fun event that I didn't write about above, as I'd already written such a lot) Since then I have grown fonder and fonder of the drink, and delighted in the new flavours I've discovered. It is, however, getting to be unhealthy with how much of it I drink, so I'm going to cut down on it.
- Flatten my stomach. I'm aware, that I'm not fat, and I don't think that I need to lose weight. However, I have been uncomfortable with the shape of my stomach for pretty much my entire life, and given that in May I'll be donning a costume that is skin-tight, I think my confidence to walk out in public wearing it needs for my stomach to finally be flat.
- Eat properly. Anyone who knows a student, or is or has been a student, is well aware of the trap one falls into when it comes to food. There's often not time, or money, or you just can't be bothered to cook something, let alone cook something that could be considered healthy. This year I don't want to let workloads get in the way of my personal well-being - I've been super stressed, and apparently it's possible that my poor eating habits have aided the stress. Eating properly will also help with my second resolution.
- Blog more. When I actually take some time out to sit down and write things out on here, I find that I really enjoy it. My problem is I tend to forget that this is here, or I don't think I have anything to write about. Clearly, there have been plenty of events in the last year that I could have written about, so I will be trying to write more blogs. I find that writing everything down and publishing it so that people might see it is a good way of exerting some stress or an overload of emotion. Often I tend to bottle things up and writing them down is almost as good a relief as managing to tell someone what is going on in my mind.

So with those four monumental tasks set, (and yes, for me, those are large challenges) I wish everyone a happy new year and good luck with their own resolutions.
Turn End.
Devan.

...Nothing At All...

Sometimes, in the crazy haze of work and busyness, you've just got to stop and think. There may be an enormous amount of things to do, but will rushing to get as much done as quickly as possible really produce the best results? By doing things for the sake of it, the end product will come out rushed and of much lower quality than if you took time and care throughout the process. And if you're not in the mood to work, if you do so regardless what you make is bound to be doomed to a lesser grade, or lower praise.

Deadlines are closing in for my coursework modules and I am panicking. To most, on the outside I'm calm, comfortable, maybe even confident in what work I have got done. But in actuality, inside I am running circles, certain that no matter what I've done I haven't done enough work. And when I'm not forcing myself awake until 3am trying unsuccessfully to produce as much written work as possible, I'm sat around doing nothing, knowing I should be doing something, but finding myself incapable of lifting a finger. This is one of the worst sensations ever - knowing what must be done but lacking the 'oomph' to do so, and then worrying that everyone will hate you for being like that.

But what if that is a good thing? Sure, my university work is the most important thing for me at the moment, and all of my time and attention should be spent getting the best grade I can, but is that really healthy? We're burning ourselves out spending extended periods of time trying to improve on the quantity of work we get done - only yesterday a group of us stayed on the university campus for 9 hours and upon returning home, got on with some more work - but at present I'm sat curled up in my duvet writing this out, rather than, say, researching Nick Broomfield like I ought to be. Are these long sessions of work causing us to have even longer periods of what I shall now lovingly dub 'Can't be Arsed Syndrome'? Is it perhaps our way of telling ourselves 'woah, cool off, you're trying to do too much!'? Maybe.

So for now, whilst I know I ought to be doing work, the more I try to force myself to do, the harder it will be for me to do any, so I will rest during this period of time. I'll do something fun, or just chat to my friends, or maybe embark on a much-needed raid of the fridge. -insert sound of grumbling stomach here- I know that soon enough that urge to do work will come back, because of how important it is, and I will take the moment firmly with both hands, and make the most out of it.

This may just sound like a lazy student trying to excuse her lack of action, but I know from experience that if I try to do any of it now, whilst suffering from 'CBAS', that nothing will get done and I'll be more frustrated than ever, whereas if I wait it out I may well pull an amazing piece of work out of the bag and stun everyone. You never know.

So today, I don't feel like doing anything. And maybe that's okay.
Turn End.
Devan.

When the Feeling's Gone and You Can't Hold On...

Well that went well. Haha. That relationship was 4 or 5 months of generally speaking good times, but I certainly rushed into the event. No offence intended towards my ex, but I definitely wasn't ready to embark on the journey of a relationship when I did so, and I must admit to being glad that it ended, for surely it could not remain a stable relationship when I can barely control my emotions and the other could not deal with this fact. So thank you, for giving me those months of happiness, and my apologies for causing you such grief as our relationship came to its close.

Meanwhile I have finished my first year of university, and discovered that I passed and am going through to my second year of study. Huzzah! And to add to that good news, I re-enrolled, because apparently if one does not do so one essentially gives up their place on the course - and now I'm rambling. As I was saying, I re-enrolled, and have been told the modules I will be taking. For one of these modules we had a choice of two potential topics, Enterprise or Studio Skills. I, as did most of my course-mates, wished to take Studio Skills, but it was given that some people would not get their chosen option. I, however, did, and so I am very happy. After all, business is not my strong suit, and I wish to work in the field of Media Production, so learning studio skills will be much more helpful.
And at the end of this month, I move into my new flat with my course-mate and best friend at university. I can tell that home will be great fun during my second year, living alongside almost equal silliness to my own. This year will also be more convenient, for the flat is on the doorstep of the town, whereas the house I lived in last year was a mile away from anything.

The topic of accommodation leads me to my next joyful revelation. Last year I struggled throughout both semesters as I have difficulties with forms, and as such submitted my student finance wrongly, so I never had any money left over for survival, and was only able to successfully pay rent alone once. However, with the help of my father, over the summer I have embarked on a well-paying full-time job, the money from which I will be using to live during my next year at university (just like a grown up, yay!), and hopefully I will have some left over to assist with my hobby of cosplaying, or buying my own equipment for media production. The one misfortune to this job is that it is 9-5, Monday to Friday, so my free time and what I can do in it is very limited. It does, however, mean that when I get to spend time with my friends it is made better by the fact I won't have done similarly recently.

The time is drawing nearer to my return to university and to the prettiest city I have ever visited. Much as I love the people here, I cannot wait to return there and to my studies, as I found the last year highly enjoyable. I will also be closer to other people and places I rarely get to see otherwise, which is another upside. And now I have run out of topics on which to ramble, and so, for now, I bid you adieu.
Turn End.
Devan.

Because cereal for breakfast is way too mainstream...

Haha, oww. Time to kickstart this blog - finally - with my eardrums still slightly tender. In true student style, my housemate successfully set off every smoke alarm in the house whilst cooking pancakes. This could be seen as payback or karma, since I set off an alarm or two doing the same at about 12:10 am on pancake day. We have 3 smoke alarms in our house, and it seems as though each is set off by the others, though I doubt this is really the case. There is also a 'panic' alarm for our house. On this occasion, the three smoke alarms went off...and didn't stop. This in turn somehow seemed to activate the 'panic' alarm, thus rendering the household an ear-piercing cacophony of LOUD. After about 5 minutes of frantic flapping with tea towels, and opening multiple windows and doors, the alarms finally - and rather abruptly - shut up.  Well, that was certainly an adventure, one my ears would rather not repeat, but nevertheless, no harm was done.

Following the theme of a 'student lifestyle', I had a glorious bowl of honey-nut cornflakes for my dinner, thus inspiring the title of this post. It is hard, to be poor, hungry, and not in the mood for any of the consumables in the cupboard. Thank goodness for cereal! So that's my belly filled nicely.

I'm somehow already more than half way through my second semester here at university, which is slightly daunting due to the high volume of work still left to do, however, that work still proves itself, for the most part, to be very enjoyable. There have been several conflicts within my workgroups, for the most part with one particular group member, which has caused myself and another great personal discomfort and inconvenience. Add to that the fact we both struggle with confrontation, and we're worried nothing will get done and she'll never learn to change. This aside, my relationships with housemates and other course-mates are good and developing more as time goes on, which is certainly a helpful boost to my self confidence.

And now, the final feature, and probably the most important recent event in my mind. On the 17th December, 2011, I left the 'single scene', having found someone accepting enough of my strangeness to willingly ask me to become their partner. This is yet another step-up to my gaining personal confidence, and it is fantastic to have someone so suited to myself to share experiences with. This relationship is different to any I have been in previously due to a large distance gap, however this has yet to (and hopefully never will!) affect us, with the exception of making the occasions we do spend together all the more special. Here I would like to add a thank you - for entering my life, for seeing who I truly am and accepting me regardless, and for being willing to become so much more than the amazing friend you already are.

So that's all I have to say at the present moment, and here's to hoping in the future I have more to write about on this blog...it's hardly a record of my ramblings with no actual rambling occuring, after all. So now, I bid you, the reader, farewell.
Turn End.
Devan.